where are you?

Wonderful being me!

How is it like? Being me? Being just the one person like whom there isn’t any?

How does it feel to be able to think my own thoughts? Sit in my own peacefulness away from the world… to be able to listen to my own breath… to realize every moment when my heart rises and falls with every breath of mine.

To be able to hug myself tight every time I fight my tears. How is it like, calming myself down and asking myself to not stop believing? How it is like? Being me?

How is it like looking at the world from my eyes? Seeing things the way I see them… the way only I see them. How does it feel, when I look down upon my polished nails, wondering which color should I put on next. How does it feel, when I choose what to wear, where to go, what to eat, when to sleep, when to wake up.

How is it like? Knowing that yesterday was mine, today is mine and tomorrow will also be mine. Knowing that every waking moment, I will have myself by my side. That I will be there to feel the bliss I feel in the quiet moments I steal for myself each day. When I have the moments of self evaluation… When my mind questions the path I take each day…

How is it like? When my soul rejoices at the mid night moon’s rays falling quietly upon my window pane. When I silently watch the stars knowing that this one perfect moment is mine to capture.

 The assuring silence that engulfs me in the certainty where I am not obliged to talk when I wish to remain silent. The silent moments that I spend connecting with my soul, connecting with my conscience, connecting with the one common thread that runs between me and everything else around me.

How wonderful it is being me!

Sleepy death

A solitary night it was, that night. Sleepless and restless. He gazed upon the shapes forming, as the smoke from the incense drifted past his fingers and filled up the air above him...slowly and deeply almost motionless.. Even the tic-toc-tic from the seconds hand of the clock next to his ear seemed to have slowed down taking one second at a time...

Restless heat filled the room..and sweat trickled down his face onto the bed... slowly he tip-toed to the window pane...his eyes almost shut now... opened the window to look at the full moon..slowly been eaten up by the dark clouds till there was no silver to light up the leaves on the trees...and his eyes closed shut.. 

his  breath getting slower and slower and he leaned against the window pane...engulfing the peacefullness that filled the air with  something almost ominent... a slight rustle of the leaves broke his sleep and his eyes opened briefly to reflect the shine of the bright moon now out of its captor. and a gentle breeze found its way into his room.. 

the candle lights flickered and danced with the teasing and taunting of this new visitor.. unwelcome thus, he shut the window tight.. and dragged his feet back to my bed.. till his eyes slowly drifted in a deep dreamless sleep. Not realizing this was just the begining of a long night

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT??

A child's quest

The morning is especially beautiful in this part of the countryside; More so if you happened to look at the sunrise from the porch of my house. You would get to see the beautiful farms in the east and the trees that lines up behind them, where the forest begins; and then far beyond the mighty mountains from which the sun emerges every day. I sit here every morning, reading the paper and sipping my hot black coffee while I listen to the birds chirping and feel the sweet morning breeze fill the air. Ah! Life is sweet. Occasionally I would stay in the town overnight and my morning would be bundled with jarring sounds of the horns from the cars and utter morning chaos from the market below. It is no wonder then why I miss these quiet mornings terribly.
Today morning I was slightly upset as the paper boy had not turned up leaving me to drink my coffee alone. I thought, I might as well use the time to plan out my day’s schedule. My next novel was about to be completed, and my publisher was hounding me to finish it sooner. Maybe, I would work on that. Lost in my thoughts, my coffee was almost finished. I got up to go inside when I heard a rustle and I saw something moving in between the corn fields. “Darn. It’s one of those animals again. I better get my gun!”
I stood waiting, my gun in position. “Oh boy, It is in for a big surprise!” I thought smiling. And sure enough it was a surprise but not for the animal: for me. For you see, what emerged from the bushes was not an African elephant or a wild-eyed lion, but a little boy, about the age of 5. He looked lost. He stood there blinking his eyes, and I had a suspicious feeling that I was blinking in tandem too. I hid the gun inside my robes as the boy approached near.
“Hey kid! What are you doing out here? Don’t you know there are wild animals around here? Where are your parents?”
“I am looking for my mommy”
“Well there ain’t anyone around here. Where is your dad?”
“He is not here. I am looking for my Mommy”
“Kid, I ain’t seen any woman around here. Tell me where do you live? Come inside, I’ll call your father”
“I want my Mommy. I want my Mommy. Mommy told me not to enter stranger’s house”
I got out of my porch and looked around. There really wasn’t anyone here at all, since morning. Where did this child come from? I went to him and crouched down to look at his face. His eyes were filled with tears. “What is your name?” I asked
“Kevin.”
“Well Kevin, tell me where you live, so I can take you back to your home?”
“No! I came here to find my mom. Papa says she lives here now.”
“Little boy, I live here alone. Tell me where your home is, kid, or at least your phone number? Come inside”, I told him, catching hold of his hands.
The next thing I knew the kid started running away screaming, “I am going to find my mommy today and tell her she has to come home.” Oh man! This is going to be a long day, I thought as I went behind the kid.
“Ok tell me what does your mother look like? Did she go missing today morning?” I asked him when I eventually caught up with him.
“I don’t know”, he said between gushes of tears. “When I wake up, I hear her voice downstairs. But by the time I climb down the stairs, I hear papa start his truck and leave. I am sure he has taken her away and hidden her somewhere. I heard him tell Uncle joe that she is here. I know you have hidden her here. Please give my mommy back to me. I miss her”
“She has not tucked me into bed for so many days now. I miss mommy. I know she is here. But I don’t know where and dad wouldn’t tell me. But I know now that she is here. Where is she? Are you hiding her? What did you do to her? Please send her back home. I really miss her. I will give you the money, I have in my cookie jar, if you will give her back to me”, he said and again started sobbing.
This is it man, I thought, I am really out of my elements here. “Kevin! Don’t cry. Look I don’t know where you mother is, but we could look around if you want? Do you want to go to the nearby town and ask about her?” He pursed his lips and replied with a small nod.
“Ok. What is her name and what does she look like? Hop on to my truck and let’s go to the town.”
It was a thirty minutes drive to the town. In this time he told me about his mother; ‘”Her name is Lila and she is a teacher. She is very fair with pink lips and a beautiful smile. She has long blonde hair that goes all the way down till her hips. She gives the warmest hug ever and makes really tasty chocolate chip cookies. She told me that she was going away for some time and papa took her away. I thought she would be back in a few hours. But she didn’t come back. But today I am going to find her. She will come back when she sees me. She loves me a lot. Dad is ok, but he doesn’t read bed time stories as well as she does. I’ll tell her that when I meet her.” And then he looked out of the window. It was getting gloomy and I could see the black rain clouds in the distance.
Once we reached the town, it had started drizzling already. I took the kid straight to the sheriff and told him the morning’s events. While the sheriff’s deputy took the kid out for lunch, the sheriff filed a missing kid report. However nobody had reported the kid missing so far. When the kid came back, the sheriff gave him a Popsicle and promised that he would look for his mother. I told the sheriff that I would leave the kid in his custody to take him home and was about to leave when Kevin started crying again and said that he wants to come with me and that he was scared to be alone there. To this the sheriff said, “Why don’t you take him with you, I’ll try contacting his dad and bring him to your house”.
“Do I have any other option,” I told the sheriff bemused, “Ok Kevin, get back in the truck.”
While going back, Kevin insisted that we circle the block a couple of times. “Maybe she is out shopping. Maybe she is around here somewhere” he said with eyes so hopeful I couldn’t bear to disappoint him.
It was around five in the evening when we returned back home. By now it was raining cats and dogs. Kevin was awfully quiet on his way back. I took him in and made some hot coco with some sandwich. He ate his meal quietly. He must be tired I thought, and took him to the couch in front of the fireplace. “Take some rest son. Sleep for some time. You have had a long day”.
“Will I ever see mommy again”, he murmured while he fell asleep.
I was watching him sleep when there was a sharp knock on the door. Who could it be at this hour in the night? Maybe it’s his dad I thought, hopeful. I opened it and sure enough there was the sheriff with Kevin’s dad. I asked them to come in.
“I am so sorry about my son. I know he has caused a lot of trouble to you.”
“Oh no! Not at all. He is pretty tired and is sleeping on the couch. Why don’t you sit down and warm yourselves. I’ll get you some coffee”.
Over coffee I enquired about Kevin’s mother. His dad remained silent for some time before he spoke, “Kevin’s mother passed away three months ago. She had cancer.”
“I am so sorry, that must be really tough. I guess that explains it all. But why would he think that his mother was here?”
“Kevin is only four years old. He really does not understand the concept of death. His mother had told him that she is going away for some time, because she couldn’t bear to explain to her own son that he would never see her again. On the day of the funeral, Kevin was fast asleep and we did not wake him up. His mother is buried in the grave yard half a mile away from here. This morning I was talking to her brother and I told him that we should come out here and pay our respects to her. I guess Kevin must have heard that and decided to come here.”
The three of us turned our heads and looked at the little boy sleeping peacefully. His father said, “Maybe he is dreaming of his mother and hot chocolate chip cookies” and we turned away, our eyes turning misty with tears.

An Evening

(My first attempt at writing a short story)

It was a cold winter evening. She felt the wind gushing through her hair as she saw the clouds catch fire with the sunset. This was her favorite part of the evening. She lay there on the concrete floor staring at the sky as it turned from blue to orange, red, purple and then grey. She had a long day and all the work was exhausting her. This was her recluse. Her favorite spot, where no one would find her. On top of the half constructed building.

Today she had decided to share it with him. And there they lay staring at the skies with the wind singing stories of the far unknown. There was something about him. He had the wind in him.
Now as she stood looking at him become one with his element, she felt a strange tingle pass through her. When he opened his eyes the stars had come out. And the moon was right above them.
“There’s something about the night”, she thought. “Something imminent”. His grey hairs were falling on his eyes, and she noticed how his sharp features had suddenly gone soft.
“Show me! Show me, for I need to know” she said to him with impending urgency. But he shook his head. “It is not time, my dear” he said, as always since the past so many days. Hearing this she turned away with a swish of her skirt. She had been growing impatient. More impatient than she could handle. He looked at her now, adoringly. “She is just a child. But she must wait. It is for her to find out the truth herself. I can only be the medium. The fire in her burns stronger than ever. However, the only way she can learn to be one with her element is when she learns patience. Patience is the key”, he thought chuckling to himself. She came to him and held his hands. And they did what she had known for so long. She would stare as long as she could into his eyes, searching for the truth she wished to see. But she could never decipher what his eyes were saying, or what his mind was doing. Today was no different. She did so, until she felt everything behind him dissolve. Her eyes were losing focus and she was squinting. And then with a quick movement of her hands, she withdrew. “What is it?” he asked.
“Nothing… nothing, I just… felt you’re… I saw a demon emerge from you.”
“Demon? Oh so you have met him then?”
“What is wrong with you? I can help, you know. I can remove him from you”
“That won’t be necessary. He has been with me since I was born. And he will die with me. He is in my control. Come now! Get over it”

And so they continued. Till she felt the same things happen again and withdrew.
“What is it now?”
“I saw an old man’s face. He seemed Mongolian, with yellow skin and a wrinkled face! Who is he?”
“I see you are getting through my soul. They all live inside me. And they all live with me. They make my decisions and are carried forward with my soul to all my lives. There are 14 more inside me. You are not going to try and meet all of them are you?” he said with a slight smirk. Then he thought to himself, “She is getting stronger, maybe today is the day.” He realized that if the time had come and they were to discover the truth, they were to lose no time. For the stars will not stay in that position for ever. He got up and he held her hand, while she sat on the cold railing of the building and told her to concentrate. And she did as he told her. She held his hands and looked deep inside his eyes and watched the world dissolve till all she could see was darkness. She was scared, but she was determined. She stared deep without letting go. Till suddenly he closed his eyes and fell back. She gripped his hands and asked him urgently what had happened.
But before he could answer a huge gush of wind came howling through. A wind so strong and mighty that she let go of his hands. The trees around them danced to the fury of the horrible winds. The dry leaves were hauled up from the ground into the air. They seemed to have come right out of the gates of the heaven. And then it grew still. So very still.

“I should’ve known”, he muttered.”I should’ve known, I should’ve known.”

They stood in silence for some time, looking at each other. And then she sat down with all her weight.
Presently he turned his attention to the full moon that was on top of them. The clouds had gathered around in the circular motion with the wind swirling around. Then he spread his gaze to her face. She was also looking up staring at the strong halo of the moon and the wisps of cloud around it.
He couldn’t help by think, “My God, she is lovely!”
She noticed his gaze and grew conscious. Averting her eyes she quickly asked, “What could this mean? Should we stop?”
To this his face turned grave and he replied, “There are many things on this Earth that are controlled by things far superior than humans can understand. They all work together in harmony and tandem to protect the secret that lies within them. They know you are one of them, but everything must have its place and time. For if these adherences were to be broken, so would the code of their being and that would threaten the existence of all that were. It is their choice and not ours as to when they would reveal their secrets to you, and until then all I can say to you is to not give up on the fire that wishes to break free from within you.”
He could sense her disappointment, but that was the choice made for her. And that is what had been told to him. She was born with her choices already made.

“Shall I give you a ride home?”, he asked
“No…no thanks, I think I will take a cab. Thanks anyway, I’ll see you later”
She took quick long strides towards him, gave him a peck on the cheek, picked up her coat and walked out of the door, not once meeting his eyes. He watched her now as she went into the darkness, till she was visible no more.